Messy, Embarrassing, and Bizarre

Sex is messy, especially if you are doing it right. Speaking objectively, it's a pretty messy, embarrassing and bizarre procedure altogether. It crosses otherwise guarded personal boundaries and it has emotional and physical consequences. At the very least, it's not just business as usual.

Excerpt Within an Excerpt

The Cult of Virginity

“I love you, too,” I said.

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” he responded.

“No, no, I mean it.” And we kissed.

But then I stopped and stated, “Abdullah, I am a virgin and I will be a virgin till the day I marry.”

“You are?” He was incredulous. I was insulted. What do people think of us American girls? “I’m Muslim,” I said, somehow forgetting that all of his lovers had been Muslims also. “No, I mean really Muslim.”

And it was funny that my American Islam would be more “real” than their Eastern Islam. He was so happy he swung me around, proclaiming that even if I begged for it, he would never have sex with me, to keep me pure. My inner feminist wanted to take back my words because I was upset that he was so delighted I was a virgin. And I was also upset that I was so upset that he was not.

– Yousra Y. Fazili, Fumbling Toward Ecstasy, Living Islam Out Loud: American Muslim Women Speak

Ai yi yi.

“What do people think of us American girls?”

Sluts! Running around fucking pre-maritally!

“Inner feminist,” my ass. A real feminist would realize that this obsession with virginity and “purity” (as if sex sullies you) is deeply anti-feminist and anti-woman and anti-sex.

Seriously. This is the same woman who was saying half-way sensible things about Islamic sexuality earlier (quoted in previous post). Now, all of a sudden, she’s proudly subscribing to the cult of virginity. A suppressed part of her dimly sees the truth about a man who is delighted she is a virgin, but the not-so-suppressed part would have him be a virgin too.

Internets, in Venice, a 24 year old Canadian virgin pursued me HARD to get me to steal his virginity. Internets, I ran as hard as I could. Can you imagine anything worse in your bed (barring insects) than a fumbling awkward weirdo of a virgin of 24?

Having sex is part of being an adult. This is part of how and why women historically have been denied adult human status: they do not have sexual autonomy, while men do, no matter that men are also required to forswear sex before marriage. Fact is, they rarely do, resulting in the unequal application of the virgin standard to women.

http://apostate.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/the-cult-of-virginity/

Excerpt Within an Excerpt
Islamic Sexuality

[This is another excerpt from Living Islam Out Loud: American Muslim Women Speak]

Ask the most liberal and conservative hijabi why Islam sanctions the wearing of the hijab and there will surely be mention of the fact that Muslim women must be modest and unalluring so they are not seen as sex objects; they simply want to be seen as people. The problem I have always had with this reasoning is twofold. First, it is impossible to desexualize one’s self – our sexuality is an integral part of who we are and a part of our humanity that Islam celebrates within the domain of marriage. Second, this reasoning takes all responsibility away from men and places it on women. Men are not taught to have self-control, but women are repeatedly instructed to dress and behave modestly so as not to arouse a man.

The problem with ignoring our sexuality is that we are left not knowing how to react to it. In other words, when we are confronted by something we have spent so long repressing, it is difficult to have a healthy response to what is life-affirming, natural, and a gift from God: the ability to love and make love. It is Islam’s celebration of sex (within marriage) that happily separates us from other religions. And Islamic scholars have historically had frank discussions among themselves about the reality of sex both in and out of marriage. Tragically, scholarly and honest discussions about sex and sexuality never filter down to one’s local mosque or to the local imam, and certainly never come close to our Islamic religion schools. And when young Muslims seek advice , they go to their peers because there are no safe spaces for adult guidance. At least this has been my experience.

– Yousra Y. Fazili, Fumbling Toward Ecstasy, Living Islam Out Loud: American Muslim Women Speak

It’s true that Islam is different from some other religions in its affirmation of sexuality as a good thing, at least within marriage. On the other hand, as Fazili points out, after a lifetime of repression, it’s not really possible to simply turn around and enjoy sexuality, as if the previous episodes of shaming and guilt had never happened. If you spend a lot of time hiding your body, segregating the sexes, introducing the devil into an equation where two people in love find only blessing, shaming sluts who get laid without getting married, encouraging feelings of shame for one’s sexual urges, telling women that having pre-marital sex is an act of disrespect toward themselves, fostering the good girl/bad girl dichotomy, placing a ridiculous amount of importance on virginity before marriage — well, if you do all this, you can’t magically make all this not matter when you finally have divine permission to fuck for fun.

The human psyche just don’t work that way, sorry.

Either consensual, mutually participatory, adult sex is good, or it’s bad. It can’t be both, depending on whether or not you have obtained a legal document, whether or not you are fucking the right gender, whether or not your partner is of the right religion, whether or not your parents have approved the union. This is all superstitious nonsense and all it does is fetishize women’s bodies.

http://apostate.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/islamic-sexuality-excerpt/

After having read the two posts above I feel somewhat conflicted. I tried writing a post about this myself, and somehow through the difficulties of computer and internet it was lost. I believe I copied it from MicroSoft Word and then proceeded to copy something else from the web, then I closed MSW without saving (haha! brilliant!) and thus ended up losing what I had. Let's see if I can rewrite it, shall we?

I am feminist in some ways. I am oddly traditional in some ways. It is hardly a problem for me, but it may often confuse others who are trying to see inside my head and my heart.

I know that if you are doing things right being physically intimate is messy and embarrassing. Google "embarrassing" and "sex" sometime and you'll see what I mean. I believe that, at least for me, sex can and should be as emotionally intimate as it is physically intimate. I don’t believe that marriage is a prerequisite to feeling that way or that sex should be dependent on a legal document. However, I do fully intend to wait until I have someone in my life who I completely love and trust.

I had an ex, rather recently, that when we discussed having sex I was very disturbed. He told me he had never been with a woman who had had previous sexual partners; he had always been the first in his previous sexual experiences. He told me that he had no problem with my lack of experience... and (here is the disturbing part) that he believed he might have trouble being with a woman who was not a virgin.

It seemed to me as if he had a little trouble with being competitive, as if women to him were some sort of sexual prize or glory. The memory of that conversation helped to keep me from having my first time with someone who was not right for me. It may have been obvious to others but I was in love. I saw a problem, but I hoped everything would be alright. He broke up with me after three months, but that was for the best.

Still, sometimes feminist opinions like the ones above make me feel as if I should be ashamed not to have had sex. Many of my friends seem to have had no trouble finding a partner with whom they can be intimate. I truly believe the reason I have not had sex yet is only because I have not yet found a person with whom I share a completely loving and trusting relationship. I don't date very often, though I have had a legions worth of crushes and fantasies, and there have only been three men in my life that I have considered viable options for physical intimacy. Is there something wrong with me, then? I am letting myself repressed by a patriarchal society?

I don't think so. I don't believe being a feminist and being sexually inexperienced are mutually exclusive descriptors.

Once I find someone I share a loving, trusting, and committed relationship with I fully expect to do messy, embarrassing, bizarre, and very fun things with him. I might marry him, too, depending on how things work out. In the meantime, I will stay self-sufficient and self-contained. I prefer it that way. I will keep my purity of spirit---untainted by compromising myself by being true to other people's views rather than my own.